Day 26: Ending at the beginning

We all leaned back in our chairs, comfortably watching as someone else stood in the hot seat presenting her data to the lab group. Most of the group are post-docs, and I imagine their comfort to be both a product of practice and circumstance. They are not trying to impress anyone, there is no higher degree to qualify for, they have nothing left to prove. They have come together to do what they do best, critically analyze methods and data.

I sat desperately trying to figure out how to move myself from outsider to insider, and thinking about how to best get through the early stages of my doctoral program with minimal discomfort and embarrassment. Unfortunately, I have noticed that the only way to become an insider is to speak up wherever possible, which requires that I be willing to be uncomfortable and embarrassed.

As the presenter spoke, I tried to follow along with the methods she used. A man from India asked her a question. As she answered him my ears experienced a bizarre shock. The presenter had been speaking in a Minnesota accent, but when she answered the man I noticed that she suddenly was carrying a thick and authentic sounding Indian accent. I was amazed. The second she turned to address someone else, the accent was gone. I looked around the room, but no one else seemed to notice. Had I imagined it?

When the meeting was finished, I caught up with the presenter in the hallway. "Hey, I noticed that you picked up that guys accent when you answered his question, are you a musician?"

"Oh no, that is my real accent. I grew up in India, I have just lived here for the last 8 years."

We talked as we walked out of the building, and then stood outside for awhile still talking. We both went to boarding school. She moved around a lot when she was young. She is an only child, and her parents recently moved back to India from the states. She wishes she had picked a field that would allow her to move around more.

"I am going to tell you something that I wish someone would have said to me when I was getting my PhD, and don't take this the wrong way, I am not suggesting that you should quit or anything."

I tried to smile genuinely.

"Make sure that you think about what you want to do with your degree before going through with the program. It is a lot of work, and it is terrible to come out on the other side of it and still not know what you want. After the PhD, it is a lifetime of grant writing and publishing papers that you have to look forward to.. that is, if you want to do research. If you want to teach, you can do that now. Only one percent of the US population holds a PhD, and only 6 percent contains a masters degree. I'm not saying that you should back out, I am just saying think about it. I wish someone would have said this to me."

We said goodbye and exchanged niceties, but my mind was reeling. The sun was incredibly bright, and the whole world seemed yellow. Her words hung like a mirage in the air. They followed me down the road, their meaning was constantly shifting form. What are my goals, what do I hope to accomplish, will I need the tools that I am about to sharpen, would it hurt me to have them? Am I sure that I want to be in research, or teaching in a University setting.

I thought of the lab meetings, and how present everyone is. No debatable comment goes unchallenged, no idea is neglected of feedback, it makes me feel alive just to be there. Then I thought about how there are no wrong turns, what else are we here to do in this life if not to explore our own minds and bodies, to find out what challenges us, to see how much ground we can cover? The storm of uncertainty passed, and I was able to see my horizon again. Once the clouds were clear, dinner emerged.

Mushroom, broccoli and onion frittata

In a frying pan, heat

1 Tbsp olive oil

1/2 tsp salt

1 yellow onion, diced

add 2 cups mushrooms, chopped

2 small heads broccoli, broken into small pieces

1 Tbsp unsalted butter

cook uncovered until the broccoli is bright green and the mushrooms are cooked. Remove from the heat. Grease a 8 inch square baking dish with butter and olive oil (you don't need to use much, but the combination works well to keep the butter from burning but give it a brown color). Beat 8 eggs with 1 Tbsp cream. Add 1/4 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp paprika, and 1 tsp pepper. Pour the egg mixture into the glass pan and add the vegetables. Sprinkle with a little cheese (optional). Bake at 375 for 30 min.

Brussel sprouts

In a frying pan, heat 1 Tbsp olive oil and 1 Tbsp unsalted butter. Add 1/4 tsp salt. Add 2 1/2 cups brussel sprouts, halved and soaked for 10 min. Add 3 cloves minced garlic and 1/4 red onion, sliced. Cook covered on medium until the brussel sprouts are bright green and soft. Serve with 1 tsp of vinegar sprinkled on top, or Sunny Spain seasoning.

Walnut and sun dried tomato couscous

Boil 2 cups water with 1 Tbsp roasted walnut oil and 1/2 tsp salt. Add 1 1/2 cups dry couscous and remove from the heat. Let sit for 7 min., then fluff with a fork. Add 1 tbsp basil and 1 cup chopped sun dried tomatoes.

Christina's vote: "Light as a spring breeze"