Day 18: You are here

I fit the ear buds snugly into my ears, and heard fingers sliding down the metal ridges of a guitar. Each enunciated string was pulled and released with purpose. I followed the notes, clinging to them like feathers on an arrow. They pulled me, squeezed me in through my ear canal, and shot straight into my chest where they exploded and shook like a thundering echo....

I was coming in from the dusk, when the wind quits playing on the ocean for the day, and the surly bugs come out to swagger in the mist of the evening. Inside the boathouse the family had finished with dinner and aunt, uncles, cousins, and brothers stood, and sat, draped over guitars. They raised their glasses and sang together, swaying in harmony. The music had taken them. Each one had a blank look upon their face, as though they had evacuated their bodies. I lay there with my head resting on my father’s knee, and felt the power of the music which had devoured the souls of my family. I waited for it to take me too, but it only teased.

The arrows flowed in, and suddenly it was the fourth of July. I sat watching the outline of the giant elm tree appear and disappear in the strobe light of fireworks. I had returned from college, and now I had a guitar of my own. The strings hurt my fingers, but I pressed into them hard. One by one, I plucked and listened until the sound disappeared, resting my head on the smooth polished wood. Sometimes I would strum out a rhythm and let my imagination fill in the music that my fingers were too clumsy to play. I drank until my head couldn't hold it’s own weight, and flopped to one side like a baby. It was then that I heard nothing save a slight humming of air, like the wings of a fly.

More arrows, and now I am in the hospital. The doctor has allowed me to have my guitar, he has helped me to smuggle it past the nurses. I am sure the smuggling wasn’t necessary, he was just trying to show me that he could speak my language.

I had been chasing a lie and got caught by the truth.

He ripped the guitar from my hands as I played a manic version of “house of the rising son”. He wanted to show me how it was done. He played it slow and low, his face stretched into that of an emotional captive. 'No, don’t go.' I thought. 'Don’t leave me here. I am afraid. What if there is nothing inside of me?' When he had finished, I grabbed my guitar and stormed out of the room. “What do YOU know about soul, DOCTOR.”

I can’t tell you when or how it happened that I learned to grab hold of the arrows and follow them inside. It was inside that I learned that the vacancies are hollow, but never empty. I learned to love the explosions of past memories. It their light, the ominous storm clouds of boredom that threatened me and drove me to act insane gradually dissipated.

When I returned from the song, the man with orange hair on the elliptical next to mine was wiping down his machine. The woman on the other side had already left, a single, torn, people magazine was the only sign of her real existence. I took out my ear buds, and let the world back in.

Grass-fed local burger (come on, try it, it's trendy!)
1/2 lb ground grass fed beef
1/2 small yellow onion
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
10 shakes Worchestershire sauce
1 egg
1/4 cup chopped parsley
1/4 cup panko bread crumbs
Mix the above ingredients together by hand. Form into burgers and place on an oiled cookie sheet. Bake at 350 for 20 min. Remove from the oven and top with 1 slice manchego cheese. Turn the oven to broil and broil on high for 4 min, until cheese is bubbly.
Top with
sliced onions
sliced tomato
arugula
sourdough bun (I was going to make this, but I ran out of time, so instead I went to the bakery)

Serve with purple cabbage slaw and sliced cucumbers topped with ume plum vinegar and fresh ground pepper

Purple cabbage slaw
2 cups cabbage, diced
2 large carrots, peeled and diced or shredded
1 head fennel
1 Tbsp toasted sesame oil
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 Tbsp rice vinegar
1/2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
1 tsp sugar
Toasted sesame seeds (black or tan)

Christina's vote: "This meal stirred my insanity"