Nature has sent us her relief. The end of winter crept in like a slow flood, so slow that I hardly noticed until one day I had to pull up my knees and rock myself for comfort. Almost everything in me had withdrawn by the end of winter. I felt like screaming from the rooftop, waving my arms, sending out smoke signals "Help me"!! How foolish of me to forget, I only needed to hold on a little longer.
Stepping outside this morning reminded me of walking off of a plane after having left in a blizzard and then arrived in a tropical vacation getaway spot. It felt foreign to breathe in warm air, and to feel it on my skin. Like swimming in lukewarm water, my body couldn't tell the difference between self and surroundings. Everyone had a smile and a gaze. A woman crossed the busy intersection wearing business clothes. She was barefoot. Her feet were clean, an indicator that her insanity was only temporary and driven by extreme joy.
I got into my car, and turned on the radio. How nice to not wear a coat. The radio began talking to me, as I drove through the streets of my city. "A 51 year old woman who had 'non-terminal' leukemia robbed a bank in Florida. She said she did it because it was on a list of things she wanted to do before she dies".
I think of this again later when I am reading a journal article about a study where women subjects volunteered to be confined to 60 days of bed rest to examine potential physical adaptations to microgravity (how astronauts adapt in space).
'Wow' I thought to myself 'I never want to experience that'.
This thought was immediately followed by a moment of grief
'I might live my entire life and never get to know what it feels like to be on bed rest for 60 days'
It was then that I understood. Don't get me wrong, I don't endorse bank robbery or scofflawism of any kind, but there are moments where I am hyper aware of my own mortality. We don't get to experience all things on this earth, we can't be all ways. Without the tools to be able to properly grieve, a person can be paralyzed by their inability to be satisfied with the choices they have made (or perhaps sit on their hands and not make any choices at all).
"I just don't know what I want to do next, and it is frustrating" I said to my mother on the phone. A grown woman calling her parents for guidance. It happens.
"It is hard to tell the truth about what you want. It is even harder to tell the truth on yourself." Bless her and her moment of clarity. She didn't try to tell me what to do. I probably would have argued with her, no matter what she suggested.
The outer journey is colorful and diverse, but what happens on the inside appears to be universal.
Lettuce wraps (you could make this vegetarian by using tofu instead of pork, or just use extra eggplant and burdock)
marinate
3 pork loin rib chops, thin cut, in
3 Tbsp Bulldog Japanese worchestershire sauce. Add
1 tsp soy sauce,
2 tsp toasted sesame oil,
1/2 tsp black pepper, and
2 large cloves of garlic, minced.
In a frying pan, heat
1 Tbsp olive oil. Add
1/2 diced yellow onion and
3/4 cup diced eggplant (pre-salted to extract bitter compounds..see day 7 "let it be easy" for details).
Add 1 stock of peeled, shredded burdock
Add the pork and the marinade, searing it on both sides and then turn down the heat and cook slow. When the pork is cooked (about 10 min) remove from the pan, cut the meat into small pieces and mix back into the fry mixture.
Serve with: shredded carrots, iceberg lettuce leaves and a dipping sauce (I mixed Greek yogurt with garlic chili sauce that I got from the Asian market)
Christina's vote: "La-la-la-licious"
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