Day 18: You are here

I fit the ear buds snugly into my ears, and heard fingers sliding down the metal ridges of a guitar. Each enunciated string was pulled and released with purpose. I followed the notes, clinging to them like feathers on an arrow. They pulled me, squeezed me in through my ear canal, and shot straight into my chest where they exploded and shook like a thundering echo....

I was coming in from the dusk, when the wind quits playing on the ocean for the day, and the surly bugs come out to swagger in the mist of the evening. Inside the boathouse the family had finished with dinner and aunt, uncles, cousins, and brothers stood, and sat, draped over guitars. They raised their glasses and sang together, swaying in harmony. The music had taken them. Each one had a blank look upon their face, as though they had evacuated their bodies. I lay there with my head resting on my father’s knee, and felt the power of the music which had devoured the souls of my family. I waited for it to take me too, but it only teased.

The arrows flowed in, and suddenly it was the fourth of July. I sat watching the outline of the giant elm tree appear and disappear in the strobe light of fireworks. I had returned from college, and now I had a guitar of my own. The strings hurt my fingers, but I pressed into them hard. One by one, I plucked and listened until the sound disappeared, resting my head on the smooth polished wood. Sometimes I would strum out a rhythm and let my imagination fill in the music that my fingers were too clumsy to play. I drank until my head couldn't hold it’s own weight, and flopped to one side like a baby. It was then that I heard nothing save a slight humming of air, like the wings of a fly.

More arrows, and now I am in the hospital. The doctor has allowed me to have my guitar, he has helped me to smuggle it past the nurses. I am sure the smuggling wasn’t necessary, he was just trying to show me that he could speak my language.

I had been chasing a lie and got caught by the truth.

He ripped the guitar from my hands as I played a manic version of “house of the rising son”. He wanted to show me how it was done. He played it slow and low, his face stretched into that of an emotional captive. 'No, don’t go.' I thought. 'Don’t leave me here. I am afraid. What if there is nothing inside of me?' When he had finished, I grabbed my guitar and stormed out of the room. “What do YOU know about soul, DOCTOR.”

I can’t tell you when or how it happened that I learned to grab hold of the arrows and follow them inside. It was inside that I learned that the vacancies are hollow, but never empty. I learned to love the explosions of past memories. It their light, the ominous storm clouds of boredom that threatened me and drove me to act insane gradually dissipated.

When I returned from the song, the man with orange hair on the elliptical next to mine was wiping down his machine. The woman on the other side had already left, a single, torn, people magazine was the only sign of her real existence. I took out my ear buds, and let the world back in.

Grass-fed local burger (come on, try it, it's trendy!)
1/2 lb ground grass fed beef
1/2 small yellow onion
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
10 shakes Worchestershire sauce
1 egg
1/4 cup chopped parsley
1/4 cup panko bread crumbs
Mix the above ingredients together by hand. Form into burgers and place on an oiled cookie sheet. Bake at 350 for 20 min. Remove from the oven and top with 1 slice manchego cheese. Turn the oven to broil and broil on high for 4 min, until cheese is bubbly.
Top with
sliced onions
sliced tomato
arugula
sourdough bun (I was going to make this, but I ran out of time, so instead I went to the bakery)

Serve with purple cabbage slaw and sliced cucumbers topped with ume plum vinegar and fresh ground pepper

Purple cabbage slaw
2 cups cabbage, diced
2 large carrots, peeled and diced or shredded
1 head fennel
1 Tbsp toasted sesame oil
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 Tbsp rice vinegar
1/2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
1 tsp sugar
Toasted sesame seeds (black or tan)

Christina's vote: "This meal stirred my insanity"

Day 17: Listen to learn

It was something that I probably never would have heard about had I been able to open and close my mouth.

She had recently joined a religion, it was her husband's families religion. She admitted that at first she felt a little hesitant about the strict rules of the church, women and men sit on opposite sides of the room. Women are not allowed to wear make-up. She didn't really subscribe to that strict philosophy at first, and she told the minister that she considered herself a visitor of the church the day that he handed her a book about proper attire for women. That's when the minister said that there is no joining ritual and that he already considered her to be a valuable member.

She took the book from his hands and brought it home, and has since given up her makeup, which she mostly wears to cover her imperfections and not to be glamorous or anything. Still some days she finds it hard, and she misses her cover-up and her mascara.

Of course, her daughter doesn't like the strict rules of the church, she doesn't like that the church doesn't believe in women ministers either, but she is just 16 and hasn't had her turn to try her own way yet. She is afraid that her daughter will be scared away from the message of the church because of the strict rules. She lets her wear pants to school, but still has her dress up for church on Sundays. Her son doesn't mind it so much, because the rules are more lenient for boys. His only restrictions are that he is not allowed to have piercings, and he is not allowed to listen to certain kinds of music.

Giving up alcohol was tough, even though she only drank about 6 times a month and has never been tipsy, still she used to pour herself a nice fruity drink once in awhile and sip it out of her favorite glass. Sometimes she makes herself virgin daiquiris and sips them out of that glass, just like old times, but her husband gets upset by it. He thinks she is glamorizing drinking. He used to drink more that she did, but she was the carb queen of the household.

She never realized how addicted to sugar she was until she had to give it up for the south beach diet. Of course, she wasn't really on the diet for weight loss, more for the insulin control factor. Her chiropractor pressed on this spot that represented her pancreas and her heel pain went away, which meant that her pain was related to dis-regulated sugar metabolism. She had a really difficult time giving up the sugar, but after she had tried it for awhile she was amazed by how delicious a piece of honey wheat bread tasted. She didn't reincorporate white bread back into her diet though because everything white is naughty...

"Are you getting tired dear, I have noticed that your jaw is clenching an awful lot" She removed her nylon coated fingers from between my teeth, I almost bit off a piece of her glove when she did. My mouth felt gritty from the toothpaste and I was covered in my own drool.

So many words that I had been dying to say, I felt like an overfilled balloon ready to pop. My opinions, my judgements, my desire to manipulate her to change her beliefs, feelings that she needed to be rescued by me, the arrogance. Maybe it was because at the end of an hour of forced listening I realized how much I really liked this person, or maybe it simply doesn't make sense to give advice to the woman who has just lovingly scraped all of the plaque off of my teeth, but for some reason I let the balloon go. I thanked her for her service, and I left in peace.

Shrimp cakes (serves 4)
1/2 lb shrimp, raw, de-veined, peeled
1 large clove garlic, minced
zest and juice from 1/2 lemon
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp Grey Poupon Dijon mustard
1 egg
Pulse the above ingredients in a food processor, scrape into a bowl and add
1/2 small green pepper, diced small
the whites of 4 green onions, diced small
1/4 cup cilantro, chopped
1/2 cup panko (Japanese breadcrumbs)mix in more or less panko as desired, you want the mixture to come together in patties. Refrigerate while you prepare the salad and the topping.

Garlic Dijon dressing
In a large salad bowl whisk together
zest and juice from 1/2 lemon
1 Tbsp rice vinegar
3 Tbsp olive oil
1 tsp Grey Poupon Dijon mustard
2 small or 1 large clove minced garlic
fresh ground pepper and salt.

After adding 2 tsp of the dressing to the topping (below) mix in torn baby arugula greens to the remaining dressing (about 4 cups)

Festive Salsa Topping
diced 1/2 yellow bell pepper
3 green onions, diced
1/4 cup cilantro diced
4 or 5 cherry tomatoes sliced
mix together and dress with the salad dressing (above)

Now, heat a frying pan and add 2-3 Tbsp grape seed oil. Make 4 or 5 patties with the shrimp mixture and press the outsides into panko before frying. Cook for about 4 min on each side, or until golden brown. Serve on top of the greens, with the topping. Add a little Dijon mustard if you like.

Christina's vote:"There is no other word but lovely"

Day 16: Joyful dinner

I skipped my workout and left early for school this morning, determined to get a significant amount of work done before class. It felt really nice to leisurely drive through the neighborhood, to ease up on my foot, to lift the pressure off of my day. I stopped for coffee where I used to work. The regulars still remembered me, and greeted me with raised paper cups when I walked in. I was feeling shy, so I didn't stop to chat.

I had plenty of time to walk to class, so I was able to get free parking. The cool air cleared my mind, but the sun relaxed me with warm massaging rays on my shoulders. On the corner of the campus drive, I ran into Noemia. She was out for a power walk, and was looking both confident and incredibly content. She looked so happy that she was almost glowing.

"Hello Emily, how are you?" she asked. Noemia is from Brazil.

I am not sure if it is a Brazilian custom, or just her own unique expression of assertiveness, but Noemia will use a persons name several times during a conversation. It is because of this that I always leave a conversation with her feeling like she really knows me well, and cares about my sense of well being. Usually I leave planning to use this communication skill on other people that I meet, but I never actually have remembered to do it.

"I'm good... Noemia, are you..power walking??" I asked.

When I think of power walking, I think of groups of ladies talking excitedly, wearing pinks and powder blues, and swinging their arms around wildly in an extreme frenzy for the extra calorie burn. Noemia looked like a University power walking athlete, not that we really have such a thing.

"Yes Emily, I have class this morning and I find it helps me focus to walk for just 20 min first, and you know something Emily I tried running but I don't think my body likes it. I thought about running a marathon Emily, but you know, I think I realized that it would have killed my joy. I like walking and.."

"I'm sorry, did you just say killed your joy?"

"Yes Emily, there is this really great book that I am reading about the neuroscience of joy and these researchers who are claiming that all this stuff that the public health movement is trying to accomplish with preaching about diet and exercise is just treating a symptom of a more serious disease, and you know something Emily, that disease is simply lack of joy. If we foster the true joy in our lives, the symptoms go away."

At that moment, those words struck me as the most profound thing I have ever heard. Yes, of course, life is about joy. What else is there, really? Is not joy exactly what we are all seeking? When we overeat, isn't it really a sense of joy we are grasping for? When we struggle for material success, are we not really attempting to secure the time to cultivate joy? The hours that we spend at the gym imagining that we are making ourselves more attractive to people who will shower us with feelings of joy, wouldn't they be better spent seeking joy directly?

I stood there frozen by the revelation.

"Well, I'll see you later Emily, I am going to go finish my walk." Noemia said, and she waved over her shoulder as she left. I continued into my office, and began to create in my mind the premonition of the rest of my day filled with joy.

Lemon caper chicken penne with mushrooms and broccoli (I have always loved this flavor combination) (Serves 4)
Boil 6 cups of water and 1 tsp of salt and cook 2 cups of dried penne. Rinse with cold water when it is cooked to desired texture.
In a separate pan, heat
1 Tbsp olive oil
1/4 tsp salt
add 1 cup chopped mushrooms (white, crimini, or portabello)
3 cloves minced garlic
another 1/4 tsp salt
2 cups broccoli, broken by hand
2 Tbsp butter
cook until the broccoli is bright green. Add
about 1 1/2 cups chopped white meat chicken, cooked (I used one of the breasts from yesterdays roasted chicken)
2 Tbsp capers, rinsed to remove some of the salty brine
2 more Tbsp butter
add the pasta
and
1 tsp sherry vinegar
the juice and zest from 1/2 lemon
salt and lots of pepper (to taste)

Christina's vote: "This dinner reiterates the question, which came first the chicken or the egg?"

Day 15: The very important chicken dinner

There is something about walking swiftly through a hallway wearing a lab coat and a badge that makes a person feel really...important. The quick cadence is an essential part of the romance of the whole deal, and I find a long stride to be the most effective way to accomplish this. A long stride makes a person appear more confident, while a short stride with high turnover makes a person look like they are on a desperate trip to the toilet. If you are walking with 3 or 4 others, it is best to slow down to a contemplative wandering pace, and furl ones brow, and lean in while talking in a whisper.

I was playing around in the hallway of the medical center this morning, feeling very impressive in my lab coat, when it struck me. It is a holiday Sunday, and I am at work doing research. The reality of my status sink in deeper when I began noticing that many of the other graduate students and post-docs were also present. One even brought her husband, who sprung out of his chair when we walked into the break room and bashfully rushed out into the hall. As we were leaving I noticed that he was standing with his nose 4 inches from a poster on the wall, he stood remarkably still embodying the pain of his shyness.

I get like that too, sometimes.

The other student I was working with said that he calculated his hourly wages based on how much he actually comes in, and figured that some weeks he makes only a few dollars an hour. What is the real payoff, I wonder, to doing research. Is it status, the hope of a lucrative future, the mental engagement, the drive to prove ones intellectual prowess, or maybe it is strictly some sort of faith that the universe contains discoverable secrets, secrets that it will offer to those who seek.

While the Christians go to their Easter morning services, the scientists offer their prayers to the God of research. I am not sure what I believe about science, but personal experience has shown me that it is much better to be committed to what I am doing, than to torture myself with thoughts about doing other things.

As I stood in the checkout lane at the only open grocery store in town, the checkout guy began making small talk,

"You planning on cooking something this Easter?" He was in his mid 20's, long and lanky, and he positioned himself in a stance of cool apathy. I looked blankly at him. "...because, I'll tell you that the chicken you are buying costs 7 dollars, but just for today you can get an already roasted chicken for 5.95, cause it's Easter. "

"Um, no thank you, I would rather cook"

He looked at me in shock.

"I have a cooking blog and the whole point is that I actually cook something so that I have a recipe to post every night."

"oh, is that what you do for an occupation?" He asked.

"I wish. No I am a grad student"

The very idea that there are people in the world who get paid just to do what I do for a hobby suddenly made me feel extremely jealous and resentful.

I rushed out of the store with my uncooked chicken and reminded myself that I have the most wonderful struggles, and that I am already doing everything I ever hoped to be able to do and more. I have plenty of clothes in my closet, I have a career that entertains my mind, I have hobbies that stimulate my imagination, I have a family that loves me, a partner who both loves and understands me, and I have a perfectly good uncooked free-range, local, organic chicken to put in the oven. The memory of just one day of that is enough richness to last for a lifetime.

Roasted Chicken

I find roasting a chicken to be easier than operating my microwave. Preheat the oven to 375, remove the insides of a small chicken (whatever they include), rinse the bird and pat it dry. Rub the skin with butter and salt, and stuff the inside with fresh poultry herbs (marjoram, rosemary, sage, thyme) and garlic. If you have some string, tie the legs together, otherwise you can use toothpicks to pin them together, or just skip it. Throw the bird into an oiled roasting pan, breast side down, and put it in the oven. Set the timer for 30 min. Remove the roasting pan and flip the chicken over, basting it in butter. Cook for another 20 min breast side up (so that the skin gets crispy on top. When the timer goes off, remove the bird and turn the heat up to 450. Baste and salt the skin. Return to the oven for 10 min more, or to desired brown-ness.

Purple Potatoes

In a separate roasting pan, add

4 purple potatoes, cubed

5 cloves garlic (in the skin, but with the ends cut off)

3 cloves sliced garlic

4 stocks celery, diced

1 sprig rosemary (for aroma)

1/2 tsp salt

1-2 Tbsp olive oil to coat

Cook alongside the chicken, but remove before the oven is turned up to 450.

Boiled Artichokes

On the stove top, after the chicken has been in for 30 min, boil 4 cups of water in a large pot with 1 tsp lemon juice. Add 2 trimmed artichokes (pull off outer leaves and cut off the prickly ends, peel the stem). Cook the artichokes in the boiling water until you can easily pierce with a fork (should be done at the same time as the chicken if you start 30 min after the chicken has been in).

Christina's vote: "A hearty meal"

Day 14: The mother of invention

It is amazing how inspiration can be born out of a perceived time crunch. I can avoid a project for months, gently stewing in the stress of it, with no sign of a palatable, imaginative product in sight. Then at the last possible moment, the final brown crust forms, the flavors weep into the broth, and the manuscript appears.

This morning I sat at my desk and leaned into the computer, offering my thoughts to the screen and wishing that it were able to just take them directly lest my fingers miss something. I had a deadline to meet by this afternoon, and suddenly all of the information that I needed to incorporate was clear in front of me. By 3:00, when Christina got home from her art studio, I had finished the assignment.

That's when it hit me.

A wave of nausea so intense it was as though I were in 10 foot seas.

"Are you alright?" Christina said "I don't think I have ever seen you look so miserable.."

"No, I have to lay down for a sec." Talking was difficult. I flopped down on the bed and closed my eyes.

With the door to the bedroom left open, it was not long before all three cats had nestled on top of me. I had melted into and was now a part of, the comforter.

Time passed.

"Are you going to make a leafy reader?"

"ung" I answered. I focused my attention on Eugene as though he were the horizon. Then I got out of bed, and began cooking (more like assembling) dinner.

It only took me about 10 min, and Christina said that she though it turned out well. I ended up eating plain toasted tortillas, which reminded me of "boat toast" a horrible creation that we used to subject ourselves to on my parents boat that involved burning white bread directly on top of a burner. Despite the acrid aftertaste of charred sugar, I think it was the toasted tortillas and the memories that cured my sickness.

Here is a fairly easy recipe that required very little preparation time. You can substitute in any vegetables that you like.

Easy Tostadas

1/2 green pepper, diced

1/2 yellow pepper, diced

1/2 yellow onion, diced

2 tsp olive oil

a few shakes of salt.

cook the vegetables above on a high heat, keeping them moving around the pan, until the onions are slightly brown (but the peppers are still crunchy). If you cut the peppers slightly bigger than the onions it will help you get to this point without going past it. Remove the veggies from the pan, add 2 Tbsp vegetable oil and heat until the oil is hot. Add 1 tortilla at a time (2 total), and brown on both sides. Remove tortilla to a paper towel (to blot off some of the oil). Spread the tortilla with warmed re-fried pinto beans and top with shredded romaine lettuce, peppers, salsa, sour cream (or yogurt), and shredded Dubliner cheese.

Christina's vote: "This dinner made me feel like dancing to La Bamba"

Day 13: Kabab by any other name..

"Am I supposed to put the towel in the rice?" I was standing about 10 feet behind Christina, in the doorway of the office. She sat in the dark, lit by up by the desktops of her computers, red from the left, blue from the right like a pair of 3D glasses.
"Yes, cover the rice with a towel" She said, half paying attention to my question, half absorbed in her work.
"really?? okay.." I turned and walked back into the kitchen, puzzled. I opened the giant rice pot and gently "tucked in" the rice, using a towel. Then I placed a lid on the pot, and continued my cooking. About 10 min later, Christina walks in.
"How's the Persian crispy rice comi..?" She stopped mid-sentence, and then blurted "where is the towel?"
"uh..it's inside the pot, like you said.."

I could tell by her confusion that I had not understood her right.

"Hahahahaha, no not inside the pot, around the lid. My grandmother would always wrap the lid in a towel, like this!" She took a towel and wrapped it around the lid of the pot. It never would have occurred to me to do that.

It is difficult to venture into the world of Iranian cooking without a cultural guide. For example, when I asked the salesman at the Persian market if the baby eggplants had seeds in them, he replied proudly, "oh yes they do, were you looking to make eggplant caviar?"
"Eggplant caviar?? Really?? But the seeds are so bitter!!!" I said, in shock.
"Oh, yes, we sell the seeds separately, in fact, a lot of people come just for the seeds. They have many health benefits."
This, also, never would have occurred to me.

Whenever I dabble in Persian cooking, I rely very heavily in Christina's descriptions of her grandmother's food, and on the delightful writings of Najmieh Batmangli (who has translated traditional Persian recipes for the American cook). I recommend her "New Food of Life", from which this modified tadig recipe originated.

Dill rice with tadig (crispy rice)
3 cups basmati rice
6 cups water
1 1/2 Tbsp salt
1/2 cup grapeseed oil
1/2 cup ghee (clarified butter) + 1/2 cup water
2 Tbsp Greek yogurt

Rinse the basmati rice in a fine mesh colander until the water runs clear (or about 8 times). Boil the 6 cups of water and add the rice and salt. Cook for 8 min, uncovered. Remove from the heat and rinse the cooked rice in cold water. Mix 2 cups of the cooked rice with 2 Tbsp yogurt and the grapeseed oil. Spread the mixture on the bottom of the rice pot. Scoop the remaining rice on top of the yogurt rice, but only in the center, so that the rice forms a pyramid. Cover and cook on Medium heat for 1o min. Pour the ghee and water on top, and cover with a lid with a towel wrapped around it. Cook over medium low heat for 1 hour, or until you get a crisp layer on the bottom of the pot (test with a spoon). Remove from heat and place the pot onto a cool wet towel to loosen the tadig. Carefully scoop out the rice, and then invert the pot onto a plate. Add 2 cups of chopped dill to the rice.

Kabab by any other name...
Marinate 1 lb of cubed prime sirloin steak, 1 package organic mushrooms and 1 red onion chopped into large pieces in:
3/4 cup yogurt
2 Tbsp olive oil
2 tsp black pepper
1 Tbsp brown rice vinegar
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 yellow onion, diced
The juice from 1 lime
cover and set in the refrigerator for the day (about 8 hours..or you could prepare the night before). Pre heat oven to 350. Skewer the meat on long skewers, top with a cherry tomato. Cook for 40 min, or to desired done-ness.

Salad
whisk together
1 Tbsp sherry vinegar
1/2 tsp red apple balsamic vinegar
2 Tbsp olive oil
1 Tbsp roasted walnut oil
1 tsp Dijon mustard
2 tsp dried lime (from Persian market)
fresh ground pepper and salt
a pinch of sugar
add mache leaves until the desired proportion of dressing to salad is reached and 1 diced red pepper

Christina's vote: "Grandmother would be proud"

Day 12: Bucket list lettuce wraps

Nature has sent us her relief. The end of winter crept in like a slow flood, so slow that I hardly noticed until one day I had to pull up my knees and rock myself for comfort. Almost everything in me had withdrawn by the end of winter. I felt like screaming from the rooftop, waving my arms, sending out smoke signals "Help me"!! How foolish of me to forget, I only needed to hold on a little longer.

Stepping outside this morning reminded me of walking off of a plane after having left in a blizzard and then arrived in a tropical vacation getaway spot. It felt foreign to breathe in warm air, and to feel it on my skin. Like swimming in lukewarm water, my body couldn't tell the difference between self and surroundings. Everyone had a smile and a gaze. A woman crossed the busy intersection wearing business clothes. She was barefoot. Her feet were clean, an indicator that her insanity was only temporary and driven by extreme joy.

I got into my car, and turned on the radio. How nice to not wear a coat. The radio began talking to me, as I drove through the streets of my city. "A 51 year old woman who had 'non-terminal' leukemia robbed a bank in Florida. She said she did it because it was on a list of things she wanted to do before she dies".

I think of this again later when I am reading a journal article about a study where women subjects volunteered to be confined to 60 days of bed rest to examine potential physical adaptations to microgravity (how astronauts adapt in space).

'Wow' I thought to myself 'I never want to experience that'.

This thought was immediately followed by a moment of grief

'I might live my entire life and never get to know what it feels like to be on bed rest for 60 days'

It was then that I understood. Don't get me wrong, I don't endorse bank robbery or scofflawism of any kind, but there are moments where I am hyper aware of my own mortality. We don't get to experience all things on this earth, we can't be all ways. Without the tools to be able to properly grieve, a person can be paralyzed by their inability to be satisfied with the choices they have made (or perhaps sit on their hands and not make any choices at all).

"I just don't know what I want to do next, and it is frustrating" I said to my mother on the phone. A grown woman calling her parents for guidance. It happens.
"It is hard to tell the truth about what you want. It is even harder to tell the truth on yourself." Bless her and her moment of clarity. She didn't try to tell me what to do. I probably would have argued with her, no matter what she suggested.

The outer journey is colorful and diverse, but what happens on the inside appears to be universal.

Lettuce wraps (you could make this vegetarian by using tofu instead of pork, or just use extra eggplant and burdock)
marinate
3 pork loin rib chops, thin cut, in
3 Tbsp Bulldog Japanese worchestershire sauce. Add
1 tsp soy sauce,
2 tsp toasted sesame oil,
1/2 tsp black pepper, and
2 large cloves of garlic, minced.
In a frying pan, heat
1 Tbsp olive oil. Add
1/2 diced yellow onion and
3/4 cup diced eggplant (pre-salted to extract bitter compounds..see day 7 "let it be easy" for details).
Add 1 stock of peeled, shredded burdock
Add the pork and the marinade, searing it on both sides and then turn down the heat and cook slow. When the pork is cooked (about 10 min) remove from the pan, cut the meat into small pieces and mix back into the fry mixture.

Serve with: shredded carrots, iceberg lettuce leaves and a dipping sauce (I mixed Greek yogurt with garlic chili sauce that I got from the Asian market)

Christina's vote: "La-la-la-licious"